Where is Our Place at the Table?

The difficulty of being a good ally is that our voice is the most likely to be heard but the least likely to represent the people we’re fighting for. We may be at the center of other marginalized communities, but as a thin ally of fat people, we do not experience their specific stigma, trauma, and oppression, which ironically is why our voice gets heard more than theirs. Shocker: The voices of marginalized people get marginalized the most when they talk about how they are marginalized. As allies, our job is to center and amplify the voices of those who tend not to be heard and create safety for those who may fear to speak.

Fighting the Good Fight

As much as we’d like to give fatphobic aunt Matilda a piece of our mind, the holiday dinner table may not be the best place to release your Kraken. More importantly, when we allies take up the fight on behalf of the fat person who is sitting right next to us, it pushes them even further to the margins. They are left being fought about, not fought for. It makes them a bystander of their own experience, playing the sidekick while we pose as the hero. If you want to express outrage or upset, talk about you and your experience, not someone else’s.

As allies, we want to make life better for the fat people in our lives, but during the holidays especially, we cannot assume that we know what “making life better” looks like to them in a particular situation. In the lives of marginalized people, there is a constant consideration of tactics to deal with ignorance, indignities, and hostilities—tactics that broadly fall into three categories: confront, mitigate, or avoid. People have different communication styles and preferences. Even married couples, for example, sometimes have opposite communication styles. One person is brash; the other is diplomatic. One sees an argument as a healthy exchange of ideas; the other sees an argument as jeopardizing love and intimacy.

For example, has your fat friend or loved-one ever said something like this to you?

• I can’t believe you just sat there and didn’t stand up for me!—Fatphobia hurts, but what hurts more is someone you love not coming to your aid when you’re attacked.

• I can’t believe you went after my mom like that. She’s 80! She’s always had a problem with my weight, and she always will.—Sometimes we believe we’re coming to the aid of a fat person but end up making a bad situation worse.

• I can speak for myself just fine, you know. You don’t have to jump in and rescue me anytime someone says the word diet.—It’s natural to want to defend someone you care about, but sometimes our defense becomes obtrusive and another way we rob them of their own voice.

So how do we know what to do? Ask.

If one of the scenarios above has happened to you, you might have felt defensive or even unappreciated. Don’t think of allyship as doing right or wrong, as being a good person or a bad person. Think of it as providing what a particular person needs at a particular time.

A good way into any conversation is with an apology. In this case, apologize for not understanding how the person felt—for not getting it—which is the truth. Then follow up by asking the person how they would prefer you handle it going forward. This will not be the same for every fat person in every situation, but that’s the point. The silence that got you in trouble with one fat friend may be exactly what a different fat person prefers in order to keep the peace. Think of it this way: We may think we’re coming to the rescue, but rescuing someone who doesn’t want to be is called kidnapping.

The other way to have this conversation is by asking the fat person about a specific upcoming social situation, and what, if anything, is on their mind:

Ally: “How are you feeling about going to my parents for Thanksgiving?”

Fat Person: “Well, I’m not looking forward to another big meal where your family all gather round the turkey to talk about dieting.”

Ally: “Yeah, I know what you mean. Is there anything I can do …or not do? Maybe help change the subject…?”

4 Ways to Support Your Fat Friend or Loved One at a Social Gathering

1. Change the Subject Organically

If you’ve ever been derailed while telling a story, you may have noticed that an organic topic shift in a conversation generally happens in three stages.

First, start with something already within the scope of the topic:

FatPhobe: “I caught a glimpse of our neighbor working in her garden yesterday. I can’t believe how much weight she’s put on during quarantine.”

Ally: “Have you been doing any gardening lately? Seems like a good quarantine activity.”

FatPhobe: “Not really, but I just noticed how fat she’s been getting.”

Second, involve at least one other person in the branched topic:

Ally: “Greg and I were looking at her roses when we drove up. Weren’t they gorgeous, Greg? We were thinking of planting some in fact, but we’ve never had much luck with plants. They look beautiful, but I hear roses are a lot of trouble.”

FatPhobe: “I suppose they are, but like anything else they take dedication.”

Finally, ask an open ended question about the new topic, leaving the old one to die.

Ally: “I would have thought gardening would be your go-to during this quarantine. What have you been doing with yourself?”

Fatphobe: “Well, all the supplies at the gardening store are sold out! I can’t get anything I need. I don’t know how these poor mom-and-pop stores are staying in business.

Ally: “Yes, I know what you mean. I’ve been working from home, which has definitely been challenging. I remember last week, I had to…”

Subject changed.

2. Shift Focus to the Fatphobe

FatPhobe: “Dear, do you really think you need a second helping of that?”

Ally: “Wow, Aunt Matilda, you’re really on top of things. I bet you pay a lot of attention to how much you eat too. I bet you can tell me everything you’ve eaten today.”

Fatphobe: “Well, not much, I’ve just been picking. But I think everyone should watch what they eat.”

Ally: “Yeah, but you watch what everyone else eats too. It seems really important to you. Did you get a lot of crap growing up for how much you ate? Did your parents monitor your eating?”

This works surprisingly well if you’re intention is education, outreach, or just creating some empathy. I’ve used this tactic a lot, even with strangers, and in the right setting, it can lead to deep and unexpected conversations. Of course, it will not spare your fat friend or loved one having to listen to the conversation, so perhaps it’s best used when they are not within earshot. But if you talk about this with them in advance, they may tell you that they see it for the opportunity it is.

3. Sideline or Rescue

You notice your fat friend Cindy has been cornered by your uncle Jerry, who is singing the praises of a new diet he’s discovered. Use a question as an invitation to separate the two: “Cindy, do you have a moment to help me with something? I just got a text from [mutual friend], and I could really use your advice.” Cindy can either accept the rescue or respond with “in a minute” and handle uncle Jerry herself.

Alternatively, you can sideline uncle Jerry by interrupting him: “Oh, uncle Jerry! I wanted to get your opinion on something…” You then ask him a question about something you know he’s passionate about. You do not need to know anything about this passion. Jerry will tell you everything you need to know: “I have a friend who’s trying to decide what kind of car to buy, and I knew you’d have some good advice.”

How far you pursue this fiction is up to you. It just needs to be long enough for Cindy to get away or for a new topic to arise. This tactic also allows Cindy to return to the diet conversation if she really wants to. You haven’t silenced anyone or fought their battle for them.

4. Be Offended, and Say So

Another way to frame the “how can I help” conversation is to ask how far you’re authorized to go. Generally there are three levels of engagement with oppression: avoid it (you don’t get in the situation in the first place), mitigate it (you say something diplomatic or change the subject), or confront it (you let the person know you’re offended and ask them to stop). It’s not about having just one approach, but rather knowing how much push-back your fat friend or loved-one is comfortable with on their behalf. Understand their concerns and respect their wishes.

Be the Buffer

Imagine that during the social gathering, your mother-in-law pulls you into the kitchen to talk about how fat your wife has gotten, and you spend 20 minutes parrying her barbs, concerns, and hand-wringing. Later, in the car driving home from the festivities, you turn to your wife and say, “Oh my god, you’ll never guess what your mom said about your weight this time…” Yes, she can! Your wife can probably guess exactly. She’s probably been having that conversation with her mother for decades. This is a conversation that you never need to report to your wife. In fact, your job is to spare her from it. Perhaps the conversation made you mad or sad. Good. Imagine how much madder and sadder it would make your wife to hear you recount it.

But what if your wife asks? “You and my mom were in the kitchen quite a while. What were you talking about?” While your wife has a right to know, she probably knows already. Try something simple like, “Oh, you know your mother. Always so concerned about you.” Fatphobic conversations are never new. Your wife will probably know from that statement exactly what you and her mother talked about. If your wife wants to hear more, she’ll ask.

Are You Really an Ally?

Many of us go absolutely crazy when someone we love is getting abused and immediately go on the attack. Others of us would be mortified to say anything that might make a tense situation even worse. If you live life at one of these extremes, you may feel you have no choice in how you react: “That’s just who I am.” But here’s the thing about allyship: It’s not about you. It’s not about what makes you comfortable or justified; it’s about what the fat person needs—even deserves—from you. If you can’t do that for them, then you’re not really an ally. You’re a well-meaning friend. Friends are great, but friendship is not the same as allyship. We can strive to provide both.

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