Content Warnings: Suicidal ideation

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. In the past, I haven’t acknowledged the cause. In fact, I stayed as far away from any mention of the word “suicide” as possible. I felt like being in mere proximity to the word would cast a light on a part of me I tried to keep hidden. The part of me that not only has attempted it in the past, but still thinks about it more frequently than I would like. 

I’ve always felt such shame about my attempted suicide when I was younger, and even more shame that I still live with suicidal ideations. I wish I could say that it’s all behind me and I never have those thoughts anymore, but that simply isn’t true. Unfortunately, thanks to the stigma that still exists around mental health and mental illness, some of the shame still lives on, too. 

In a time when so many people are dealing with difficult things, why do we all still try to deny that we’re struggling? If we were all honest with ourselves and each other maybe we would see more empathy being practiced.  

August was the only month this year I haven’t had to deal with the news of a family member or friend passing. To say it’s been an emotionally taxing year would be an understatement. Dealing with those losses, in addition to my own daily concerns, has been a serious struggle. I’ve been living in a larger body for most of my life; however in some ways I don’t feel like I truly felt it until I became injured. I’ve always been one of those people who has strived to live life to the fullest and not let my weight hold me back. After my injuries this year greatly limited my mobility I suddenly felt the judgment from others regarding my size even more than previously. In the past I knew I would face initial fatphobic judgements but I was also aware that within moments of interacting with me they would find their preconceived notions to be false. Now that I’m in a place where my body is so limited I feel like our interactions help to enforce those notions, not dismiss them. This added stress increased my social anxiety greatly. For the first part of the year I tried to “fake it, until you make it” as much as I could when asked how I was doing. At some point it all just became too much to even fake. So, I've temporarily lost my ability to say, "I'm okay" while feeling the exact opposite.

Instead of saying I'm okay I’m being honest with people. In my mind it's almost embarrassing to admit. However, it’s amazing how frequently I'm met with a response that the other person feels similar. Not everyone is dealing with the same emotions I am; but, almost everyone is dealing with something and many of us are feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all. I’ve also been more honest about my need to increase therapy. I’m always an advocate of therapy when needed. During better days I see my therapist once a month and my psychiatrist every few months. Currently I’m seeing my therapist weekly and my psychiatrist once a month. There’s no shame in saying that you need no help and seeking it out. I know I won’t always need to see them this frequently, and even if I do that’s okay also.

Some people are truly doing great right now and I love that for them. I want nothing but happiness for others. I enjoy hearing about what's going well with them because it gives me hope. Unfortunately, many people are on the other side of that. It's taking every bit of their strength to keep putting one foot blindly in front of the other. They're walking purely on faith, rather than giving into fear, with the hopes that things get better soon.

If you're part of that second group—it's okay. So am I. If you're resisting the urge to tell someone how you're really doing—don't. Not only will you feel slightly better letting it out but you being transparent might give them the permission they didn't realize they were waiting for to unburden themselves too.

All I'm saying is—it's okay not to be okay. Give yourself time and space to feel how you feel instead of trying to force yourself into false, toxic positivity by dismissing your feelings. They'll just come back stronger and harder later. It's okay not to be okay right now. Just remember it can't rain forever and things will get better even when it doesn't feel like it. Embrace how you feel and give yourself some grace. 

If you’re in crisis or feel like you just can’t go on, please reach out for help or call the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.

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